Eating Crabgrass

I remember several years ago attending a family reunion at an old ranch house up in the nether regions of Utah.  In one of the upstairs bedrooms, there was a small utility door with a sign posted on it:

DO

NOT

OPEN

THIS

DOOR

Bet you can't guess what we all wanted to do every time we saw that door?  :)

That door taught me an important lesson that I know each and every one of us has learned and coped with time and time again.  We always want what we can't have.  Especially if "Don't do this!" is printed in big bold letters.  It happens with kids every day.  They could care less about what's in the bag in the closet - unless you tell them NOT to look in the bag.  And then suddenly getting a peek at that bag is a matter of great importance.

I had a realization about a week ago.  A realization that has the potential to help me put some pretty serious demons (ie crabgrassy little devils that taunt me every day) to rest.  Here it is:  If I want to stop eating crabgrass, I need to stop paying so much attention to it and instead focus on the things that will drive it away.  Here's a bit of back story for you:

I realize that this is a blog and that while the majority of my audience is probably made up of people I know and see on a regular basis, some of you may never meet me in person.  If you met me in person you would see that I have a fabulous figure ;).  I've been carrying around quite a few extra pounds since I became an adult.  My weight has fluctuated, but it gradually increased until I peaked at 280 pounds about 4 years ago.  Then in June of 2010 I went on a very strict diet and lost 40 pounds over the course of about 4 months.  I had a new spring in my step and I felt great.  But life happened and I chose to pick those pounds back up, one by one, until I had reached 283 pounds in January of this year.  So I hopped back on my diet and dropped the pounds again - reaching the 45 pounds lost mark in April.  Here are some victory photo's for your enjoyment (and so I can remember how awesome I am for a minute :)

July 2011

May 2012

I look awesome, right!?  It's cause I am.  It's my middle name, remember?  But I digress.  I really love the eating principles that I used in order to reach my goal thus far, but come mid may, I found myself having a really hard time sticking to the plan, and I have gone up and down the same 5-10 pounds over the last 2 months.  It's been really frustrating and downright discouraging at times.  But that's not the point of this post.  The point of this post is to explain how I am going to continue from here on out.

The diet that I have been on up to this point was very restrictive.  I had to stay on a very restricted meal plan, or I would kick my system out of the fat burning state and it would take a few days to get back to that state.  I literally went for weeks at a time staying strictly on plan, and it paid off.  Dramatically.  The reward is so noticeable and so immediate that it really wasn't very difficult to do.  But I always knew in the back of my head that I couldn't eat certain things, or else . . .

And when I was confronted with a piece of candy or a co-workers home baked cookie, I always said no.  But then I would remember that item for the next little while, and I would remember how I couldn't have it.  And while I knew why I couldn't have it, and I was proud of myself for resisting, I was still tempted.  But I managed to push those temptations away until I lost steam in the end of April and start of May.  I managed to ignore the crabgrass and keep it at bay until it overran my internal dialogue and hijacked my focus.

Over the last several weeks as I have struggled, I have found myself fixating on the things that I can't have.  I will push the temptation away initially.  But then it comes back a few hours later, sometimes bringing buddies along.  "I can't have that" I tell myself.  "I'm stronger than that.  I'm better than that.  I don't want to mess this up."  But the temptation will build and build until I cave and end up eating A LOT of the given temptation.

Then, about a week ago, it hit me.

What if instead of worrying so much about the foods that I can't have, I focus on the foods that my body needs and enjoys?  What if there is no restricted foods list?  What if I replace the restricted foods list with a required foods list?  What if . . . ?  

I imagine the dialogue in my head going something like this:

I am presented with the option to enjoy a small bowl of ice cream at the end of the day.  I ask myself if I can have it by running down my mental checklist of goals:

Have I eaten lots of fruit and vegetables today (I'm shooting for 5 servings)? - check

Did I drink lots of water today [about 150 ounces(yes - this is not a typo!)]? - check

Did I eat healthy protein and carbs with each meal? - check

Have I taken Lucas for a walk yet? - check

Am I bored, depressed or lonely?  Do I want the ice cream for emotional reasons?  - nope.

OK, go ahead and enjoy!

I have found immense amounts of relief as I have adopted this philosophy.  The last item on the check list is a tricky one that I'll probably blog about at some future time, but I can feel the wheels in my head coming together as I focus on what I can and should be having instead of focusing on what I cannot and should not be having.  I truly love fruits and vegetables and I have found myself anticipating my next healthy meal.  I WANT to eat, because when I eat, I am fulfilling a goal.  Eating isn't a chore anymore.  I plan ahead and look forward to it.  I have always been the competitive type, and I believe that this strategy is going to take advantage of that.  Give me a list of things to do and I will take great pleasure in ticking off the items on that list.

So there you have it.  The crabgrass principle changing my life nearly 10 years after I first heard it.  I'm pretty excited about it all.  I hope that some of this excitement can carry through to you - whatever your goals may be at this time.  Just remember that the most effective wishes, dreams, hopes, desires, and goals are always pointed towards the addition of something.  You cannot wish for the absence of something.  Change your internal dialogue from "I wish I could lose weight" to "I am healthy.  I am strong.  I can  . . . no, wait . . . I AM doing this"

I am healthy.

I am strong.

I am awesome. ;)

The Crabgrass Principle

I served my mission in East Tennessee, where the grass is green and the people don't have a lot of trouble keeping it that way.  Things just grow there - in abundance.  It's a beautiful, beautiful place and having a beautiful, well manicured yard is a top priority for the folks that live there.  One night near the end of my mission my companion and I went with the Ward Missionary leader to visit a recently baptized member of the ward.  As we visited with her, he shared a principle that has had a great impact on me, and this week - 9 years later - I found myself finding answers to current strugglings within this principle.  I'm going to get into how this affects my life in my next post, but I want to dedicate this post solely to an explanation of what I call the Crabgrass Principle.

For all intents and purposes I will call our Ward Mission Leader Brother Bradley.

One summer, Brother Bradley had a problem with crabgrass in his lawn.  He tried everything to get rid of it.  He tried chemicals and they didn't work.  He tried digging up the problem areas and they would just grow back, stronger than ever, and bring new little crabgrass babies along for the ride.  He found himself focusing on this and becoming quite frustrated as it seemed that no matter what he tried, the crabgrass wouldn't go away.  Then one day he had an idea.

"What if . . . " he said "what if I focus on nurturing and supporting the good grass that surrounds the crabgrass?  What if I make sure it's thoroughly watered and tended to with the proper nutrients?  What if I forget about the crabgrass and just try to make my good grass as strong as it can be?"

So he did that.  And guess what happened?  The crabgrass disappeared.

As Brother Bradley explained that night, and as I have come to realize time and time again, this story can relate to our lives and how we deal with the various problems and trials that we face.  When we focus our efforts on adding good, nurturing, uplifting practices into our lives, we will find that the bad things just don't have room to grow.  They are pushed out by all of the goodness that is growing in and around us.  Rather than focusing on what we need to eliminate from our lives, we can focus on what we need to incorporate.  It's such a simple concept, but it is so true and so powerful.

During that missionary visit, and as I have shared this principle in various wards over the years, the principle was used in correlation with Gospel principles.  When we fill our lives with good things such as scripture study, prayer, serving our neighbors and attending our meetings, the adversary doesn't have room in our lives.  He is pushed aside by all of the goodness that is growing in and around us.  Sin doesn't have room to grow.  And the real key, the really important part of this principle, is that not only do those sinful behaviors have no room to grow, they are not given the attention that they need in order to grow.

Let's say I struggle with pornography.  A powerful addiction that is not only detrimental to the addict but also to their loved ones.  Something that causes immense amounts of shame and self hatred - especially to someone who is trying to live according to the standards of the church.  Can you imagine the feelings of guilt that a 14 year old boy must experience every time his priesthood leaders stand and speak of the sin that is pornography?  He feels awful.  He feels like a failure.  He feels that he has no control.  He feels hopeless.  He's tried time and time again to stop the behavior, to repent of his sins.  He confesses and tries so hard NOT to look at pornographic images or videos, but his body is a raging machine of hormones and time and time again he falls prey to the mass marketing that he is surrounded by on gaming websites, in his email, and even on Facebook.

He focuses all of the attention he possibly can to NOT engaging in the behavior.  It's wrong.  It's bad.  It's destroying his life.

But what if he approached it from another angle.  What if he set a goal to study his scriptures every night and in his studies to simply enjoy the basic teachings of the gospel.  What if in his prayers he gave immense amounts of thanks to his Heavenly Father for the good things in his life.  What if he attended his church meetings - and in those church meetings his leaders taught him about the goodness of the Gospel and the importance of proactive behavior in our lives.  What if they praised him and his colleagues for all of the wonderful things that they were doing.  What if . . . ?

Would this addiction - his own person crabgrass - have room to grow?

My hope - and my belief - is that it would not.  I am not an expert, and I know that pornography can be a powerful addiction, but I feel that this is only true if we let it be so.  The light will always overpower the dark.

I'll say it again.  The light will ALWAYS overpower the dark.  It is a universal law.  Darkness is the absence of light.  Void is the absence of matter.  Finish this sentence: "The idle mind is the _______'s _________."

The crabgrass doesn't have room to grow in a field full of strong, healthy, well cared for grass.  And it's the little, daily things that count.  If you want to bring a dead or dying lawn to life, you cannot water it non-stop for days on end and expect it to come to life.  You cannot dump pounds of fertilizer on it and expect it to flourish.  You cannot expose it to immense amounts sunlight and expect it to perk up.  It takes time.  It takes consistency.  It takes patience.  It takes LOVE.  You HAVE to LOVE the good grass.  Focus on it.  Praise it.  Nurture it.  Love IT and IT alone.  Forget about the crabgrass.  What crabgrass?  The crabgrass doesn't own or control the good grass.  It is a separate entity that only matters if we let it matter.

There is nothing wrong with you.  The crabgrass is not a part of you.

Can you tell how much I love this principle?  I could go on and on.  But it is my sincere hope that this principle will continue to spread.  I knew it was a keeper when 2 or 3 years after I had shared it in Sacrament Meeting I was out one night with a guy in my ward.  During a deep discussion about living the Gospel he told me this really cool story about a guy getting rid of his crabgrass.  I let him finish and then I chuckled a little and said "I know.  I'm the original story teller.  I knew the crabgrass guy and his name was Brother Bradley.  I brought the story back from Tennessee".

That's when I knew this was a good principle and that it deserves to be shared time and time again.

I hope that you will take this principle and incorporate it into your life.  Not only your spiritual life, but your work life, your home life, your marriages and partnerships, your pursuit for health and well-being, your family life.  Focus on the good and you will receive good in return.

I'll close with my favorite lyrics ever.  From Bjork - All is Full of Love (words in parentheses added by me).  She speaks of recognizing the love that surrounds us.  This song is so important to me.

You'll be given love.  You'll be taken care of.
You'll be given love.  You (just) have to trust. 

Maybe not from the sources you have poured yours (into).
Maybe not from the direction you are staring at. 

Twist your head around.  It's all around you.
All is full of love.  All around you. 

All is full of love.
You just ain't receiving.
All if full of love.
Your phone is off the hook.
All is full of love.
Your doors are shut.
(but) 

All Is Full of Love.

Sitting in the Shade on a Mild Summer Day

Yesterday I had the opportunity to do a short interview for the Far Between video project that Kendall Wilcox has been directing. I was nervous but excited. As I lay in bed the night before I rehearsed what I would say during the interview. Really it wasn't even an interview. It was more of a story telling opportunity if you will. A talk. A recorded talk. And it was only 5 minutes. Or at least that's how long they told me to talk.

When I arrived at Kendall's house I found a few people sitting in the shade on the front lawn. All new people to add to my circle of friends. They were talking about blogs and videos and parades and such. You know, all of the major events that have carried forward this giant ball of gay mormonism (no longer an oxy-moron?). I listened, and I chimed in, and it was a wonderful discussion. And then Kendall came to get me. I climbed the stairs to his loft apartment. Who knew there could be so many flights in what appeared to be a small house. He sat me down on the couch, framed, focused, checked the sound, and then told me to talk. He said "everyone has a dialogue. A little life story. Trust your instincts and just say what you feel you need to say."

So that's what I did. I talked. I talked about my childhood. Feeling different. Feeling like God must have made a mistake when He made me a girl. Talking to my mom and asking her if there was a way to change me into a boy - and her doctrinally correct answer that broke a tiny piece of me (not her fault). I talked about growing up with 5 sisters - not wanting to do the same things as them. Not caring about dolls or makeup or such. I talked about my journey thus far. The coming out process. The realization that I was gay and it was OK. The first time I confessed that I had a crush on a girl. The freedom that I felt when I realized that there was a person inside of me - an incredible, amazing person. Someone who wanted to get out but was suppressed for so long - and how freeing it was when I let her out. When I realized that I got to make decisions for myself. I talked about my testimony. How I believe in the love of the Savior. How I know that being gay doesn't nullify my testimony and vice versa. I talked about my mission and what a wonderful experience that was for me. I talked about the conflict that I felt when I started down the beaten path - not knowing if the choices I'd made and experiences that I had in the past were a lie - and how I realized that every day life is a commitment. What is true and important to me one day may not be so the next day. And there is nothing wrong with that. My mission, my testimony, my previous experiences as a faithful Latter-Day Saint in good standing - none of those experiences were falsehoods. They shaped me into the person that I am today. They were just as true and valid of experiences as my experience walking in the pride parade last week was. I was committed. I was genuine. And I still am genuine.

The experiences of my past were never a lie. The difference between then and now is that now I am fully living my experiences. I am no longer along for the ride. I am choosing every day where my commitments lie - rather than relying so much on what I feel others want me to do. I feel like before I was shaded, shrouded, buried up, boxed up. A living, breathing, walking box. I was in there. I was just buried under a lot of fear and depression (and fear OF depression). In late 2009, somebody handed me a box cutter and a shovel. And they taught me how to dig. And then I did the work. And I got tired at times. And scared. But the light that I felt on my skin and the freedom that I felt as I continued to dig - well, that carried me forward. And now you will hear me say that I am such a different person than I was before I broke out of that box. But really that's not true. I'm still the same person I always was. I'm just not hiding so many parts of myself anymore. I'm a newer person. I'm a clearer person. I'm truer and more genuine.

I ended the interview talking about how it feels to be in my skin today. I said that it feels awesome. I love my life right now. I love my life and I love who I am. I introduced myself recently as "Emily Awesomesauce Tomkinson" and I meant it. I know that I'm awesome, and it feels really great to know that. I have bad days. We all do. But on average I am doing amazingly well and I'm so happy to be me.

The video will be up in a few weeks. I'm really excited to be a part of this project. Lives are changing and people are seeing things from different perspectives now. I'm just grateful to have had the opportunity to share my little part of the story. I look forward to watching this ball of hope continue to roll forward. It's a beautiful sight to those who see it for what it really is - because all it is is a giant ball of love. Some people are scared of it. I hope that those fears and misconceptions will continue to diminish - especially with the Far Between initiative. If we can continue forward with love - not with an agenda to change anybody - just with the plea that others will listen to our story and seek to understand what this is all about - if we can continue forward with that then I hope we will continue to see eyes opened, hearts opened, lives changed. I know it's happening. And I'm just really excited to be a tiny part of it.