Sitting in the Shade on a Mild Summer Day

Yesterday I had the opportunity to do a short interview for the Far Between video project that Kendall Wilcox has been directing. I was nervous but excited. As I lay in bed the night before I rehearsed what I would say during the interview. Really it wasn't even an interview. It was more of a story telling opportunity if you will. A talk. A recorded talk. And it was only 5 minutes. Or at least that's how long they told me to talk.

When I arrived at Kendall's house I found a few people sitting in the shade on the front lawn. All new people to add to my circle of friends. They were talking about blogs and videos and parades and such. You know, all of the major events that have carried forward this giant ball of gay mormonism (no longer an oxy-moron?). I listened, and I chimed in, and it was a wonderful discussion. And then Kendall came to get me. I climbed the stairs to his loft apartment. Who knew there could be so many flights in what appeared to be a small house. He sat me down on the couch, framed, focused, checked the sound, and then told me to talk. He said "everyone has a dialogue. A little life story. Trust your instincts and just say what you feel you need to say."

So that's what I did. I talked. I talked about my childhood. Feeling different. Feeling like God must have made a mistake when He made me a girl. Talking to my mom and asking her if there was a way to change me into a boy - and her doctrinally correct answer that broke a tiny piece of me (not her fault). I talked about growing up with 5 sisters - not wanting to do the same things as them. Not caring about dolls or makeup or such. I talked about my journey thus far. The coming out process. The realization that I was gay and it was OK. The first time I confessed that I had a crush on a girl. The freedom that I felt when I realized that there was a person inside of me - an incredible, amazing person. Someone who wanted to get out but was suppressed for so long - and how freeing it was when I let her out. When I realized that I got to make decisions for myself. I talked about my testimony. How I believe in the love of the Savior. How I know that being gay doesn't nullify my testimony and vice versa. I talked about my mission and what a wonderful experience that was for me. I talked about the conflict that I felt when I started down the beaten path - not knowing if the choices I'd made and experiences that I had in the past were a lie - and how I realized that every day life is a commitment. What is true and important to me one day may not be so the next day. And there is nothing wrong with that. My mission, my testimony, my previous experiences as a faithful Latter-Day Saint in good standing - none of those experiences were falsehoods. They shaped me into the person that I am today. They were just as true and valid of experiences as my experience walking in the pride parade last week was. I was committed. I was genuine. And I still am genuine.

The experiences of my past were never a lie. The difference between then and now is that now I am fully living my experiences. I am no longer along for the ride. I am choosing every day where my commitments lie - rather than relying so much on what I feel others want me to do. I feel like before I was shaded, shrouded, buried up, boxed up. A living, breathing, walking box. I was in there. I was just buried under a lot of fear and depression (and fear OF depression). In late 2009, somebody handed me a box cutter and a shovel. And they taught me how to dig. And then I did the work. And I got tired at times. And scared. But the light that I felt on my skin and the freedom that I felt as I continued to dig - well, that carried me forward. And now you will hear me say that I am such a different person than I was before I broke out of that box. But really that's not true. I'm still the same person I always was. I'm just not hiding so many parts of myself anymore. I'm a newer person. I'm a clearer person. I'm truer and more genuine.

I ended the interview talking about how it feels to be in my skin today. I said that it feels awesome. I love my life right now. I love my life and I love who I am. I introduced myself recently as "Emily Awesomesauce Tomkinson" and I meant it. I know that I'm awesome, and it feels really great to know that. I have bad days. We all do. But on average I am doing amazingly well and I'm so happy to be me.

The video will be up in a few weeks. I'm really excited to be a part of this project. Lives are changing and people are seeing things from different perspectives now. I'm just grateful to have had the opportunity to share my little part of the story. I look forward to watching this ball of hope continue to roll forward. It's a beautiful sight to those who see it for what it really is - because all it is is a giant ball of love. Some people are scared of it. I hope that those fears and misconceptions will continue to diminish - especially with the Far Between initiative. If we can continue forward with love - not with an agenda to change anybody - just with the plea that others will listen to our story and seek to understand what this is all about - if we can continue forward with that then I hope we will continue to see eyes opened, hearts opened, lives changed. I know it's happening. And I'm just really excited to be a tiny part of it.